warriorgirl78 | Back again...

Well I am back. Its been what two years. Everyone on these communities say that. Anyway lots of stuff going on in my life as to why I have been awol. My grandmother, mom, dog and aunt died within the past few years and it has been devastating. Lots of therapy and psychiatric meds are just not helping me to be creative one bit. It sucks because I want to write. But its like if I do I am facing my hardships and being real honest with myself and while I am ready on one hand I am still holding back because I am expecting to receive some kind of cool reward at the end of all opening up my life in therapy etc...The "I am special" reward for having multiple disabilities and x amount of problems. I need to look deep and not sugar coat that life is not an award system. Life is a bunch of coping mechanisms which a lot of them have failed me bc of not being able to learn how to be brutally honest with myself, family and in therapy most impotrtantly. The question I ask myself multiple times is what does it mean to be so honest. What does it mean for it to stick in my head that I am like everyone else, I take more risks than a few people going on adventures with friends, I stupidly open up my heart to people and I get trampled. I resigned from my job a few months ago after being seriously sick psychologically and physically this year the job became too toxic and very unapprieative. Now I have so much free time on my hands and really don't want to work but get on ssdi or some kind of government program. Working at the library would be good, I originally was going to train in stock and inventory but it is too boring and not for me, then I came up with Vet Assisting work and that is a really devastating position to be in watching sick animals. Hopefully I can get into the library system like my mom had been working in for years up until her death. BTW I have dreams about her and my dog constantly. Anyways, going to try and spruce up my dreamwidth site with a cool layout and graphics profile. ttfn.