warriorgirl78

I am now a volunteer at a local animal shelter so far so good. Many volunteers their have anxiety and on medication like me which is a big relief. They don't act like bosses bc none of us are getting paid. There is only one mission to get these animals adopted into their furever home. I have an eye on 3 cats I play with and would love to take them home.

I am supposed to be writing in my journal every day. No excuses disability or laziness is not going to cut it anymore. Anyways, after my recent break during my med changes from this past April I am finally normal or am I? i don't hear the voices anymore however my rapid cycling repetitive voices are really starting to piss me off and making me sick sometimes. Stayed home today bc of this. I know I have to push through and go to work it is just very frustrating bc I can't always distinguish if I am hearing voices or if it is all in my head. Most of the time it is in my head that I have no control of what I am hearing each day. I know I am strong willed and keep having to remind myself of a great family/friend doctor support system.

It is Monday evening, and up until a few hours ago I was able to take a nap and enjoy some peace and quiet don't have the tv oon it is just the central air that kicks on or washer or dryer that I hear shit. It is silly to say but it is the truth.

In other news, I've been downloading so many soundtracks, a lot of rare stuff that aren't sold in stores. It is through this program called soulseek, it has everything from all of these cool users that share their files. A lot of times the users that share had made their own rips of maybe records or whatever they have been downloading from other people. If the government didn't have retail stores selling cds to burn music on I don't mind downloading.

Anyway, it is supposed to have storms late tonight and all day tomorrow I love the rain just not looking forward to the drive into work and home. It is also going to be hard to take Sophie out.

Ever since I moved in to the coop back in March I am trying to follow all of the rules. Other people don't respect them the old adage that "rules are made to be broken" I just want to fit in here. I know my row are good neighbors but at the beginning of the block when you are first driving in noone has really welcomed me. Everday I would this woman park along the curve and create a blind spot. i finally said to her that there are signs everywhere and that she cannot park along the curve. I was trying to hold it in as much as possible but you just need to vent and let everything out. My neighbors in my row are always very helpful as much as I bother them at different situations that I am seeing they don't seem to pissed off at me bc they know I am still adjusting. As for me breaking any of the rules if it is late at night I will let Sophie go on the grass, I remember the coop president telling me in the beginning she can go there just not directly in front. My anxiety about owning a place and living on my own caused me to be symptomatic especially heightened during a medication change I have been having since May. A lot of nasty comments I could hear. I hate this illness. Not only do I have schizophrenia but I have the bipolar part as well. The worst of both words. I don't mean to get so angry with people it is so frustrating with me. My therapist tells me to fight fear and anger together I really hate this emotions because nobody is going to want to be with me if I am angry all the time and shaking my head all the time in disgust. I am in a difficult situation when it comes to emotions and mood swings. I just want to be normal sometimes and have a clear head not a person who is angry and doesn't care. I need to give people a chance it is just they end up gravitating towards a more socialble group of people and they are turned off when I am quiet and can't make conversation. I am so irritable I can't stand it. Half the time I am not always in control of how I feel. I remember growing up my mom hated when I told her "I don't care" she hated it and now everyone is telling me that I shouldn't care bc most people are doing their own thing and could care less about whether I am talking about my dog, work schoo, family and friends. They have too much of their own problems going on. My emotions are very controversial. I don't know what normal is. Anyways, until next time...

Start of trying to push myself and follow through and hopefully getting my schizophrenic thoughts out of my head and really focus on making myself more happy.  I have been stable for so long until a change of medication recently screwed everything up.  A million voices in my head.  I hear them at work, at home is really bad.  I just moved into a small coop community and within the past month I have been hearing voices from the elementary school on the oppositte side of the fence.  "Melissa is a Schizoid" or most recently "Ich bin Macht Frei" which was on the opening of gates of Auschwitz.  These voices are so scared and terrifying because I can''t tell the difference as to whether other people are hearing them.  Reality versus fantasy.  At work is okay bc I am busy finding payments in our computer program all day so that keeps me quite busy and I am not paying attention to them.  A couple of days ago it was bad but it is manageable more at work then home which makes sense.  It is really scary for me.  The good thing is I have a lot of faith I will get through this period. I just really want to become more confortable living in my new community.  Of course I have so much trouble reading people's feelings and emotions towards meeting me  I can get myself into trouble, and the feelings that I have when I talk myself out of it doesn't last too long and the paranoid hearing voices cycle comes back into play.I want more than anything to be happy but this world is in such turmoil.  I always found it funny that we are called the "United States of America" not one of our states are united well maybe recently in the supreme court passing the gay/lesbian couples have a right to marry in each of the 50states.  Coming from a history of background I also feel there will always be conspiracies and alternative motives and the timing of such historical events happening.  I wish I can update this site during work however that is inappropriate and disrespectful. Â

Stuff that happened to me at work, I was working on trying to names for our vendors various payments in our system for my boss, it was taking place pretty much all day. Â I kept on getting a lecture from her because of the instructions she was trying to show me on how to get the information. Â I kept getting it wrong bc the vendor was waiting on these names all week, so now it has been delayed for my clerical errors. Â My boss doesn't always explains things well I know she hardly has time do this, however it would help to be more specific and possibly a bit more compassionate on showing me what I truly needed to do. Â Incredibly frustrating and upsetting. Â

Anyways, it has been quite a steamy weather day and hopefully it will thunderstorm tonite. Â Storms are very peacveful for me.



Oh I am so excited about this I hope to get my first tattoo this weekend, a semicolon with the phrase "my story isn't over yet" Â so true. Â Tomorrow is a new day:)