First Entry

Start of trying to push myself and follow through and hopefully getting my schizophrenic thoughts out of my head and really focus on making myself more happy.  I have been stable for so long until a change of medication recently screwed everything up.  A million voices in my head.  I hear them at work, at home is really bad.  I just moved into a small coop community and within the past month I have been hearing voices from the elementary school on the oppositte side of the fence.  "Melissa is a Schizoid" or most recently "Ich bin Macht Frei" which was on the opening of gates of Auschwitz.  These voices are so scared and terrifying because I can''t tell the difference as to whether other people are hearing them.  Reality versus fantasy.  At work is okay bc I am busy finding payments in our computer program all day so that keeps me quite busy and I am not paying attention to them.  A couple of days ago it was bad but it is manageable more at work then home which makes sense.  It is really scary for me.  The good thing is I have a lot of faith I will get through this period. I just really want to become more confortable living in my new community.  Of course I have so much trouble reading people's feelings and emotions towards meeting me  I can get myself into trouble, and the feelings that I have when I talk myself out of it doesn't last too long and the paranoid hearing voices cycle comes back into play.I want more than anything to be happy but this world is in such turmoil.  I always found it funny that we are called the "United States of America" not one of our states are united well maybe recently in the supreme court passing the gay/lesbian couples have a right to marry in each of the 50states.  Coming from a history of background I also feel there will always be conspiracies and alternative motives and the timing of such historical events happening.  I wish I can update this site during work however that is inappropriate and disrespectful. Â

Stuff that happened to me at work, I was working on trying to names for our vendors various payments in our system for my boss, it was taking place pretty much all day. Â I kept on getting a lecture from her because of the instructions she was trying to show me on how to get the information. Â I kept getting it wrong bc the vendor was waiting on these names all week, so now it has been delayed for my clerical errors. Â My boss doesn't always explains things well I know she hardly has time do this, however it would help to be more specific and possibly a bit more compassionate on showing me what I truly needed to do. Â Incredibly frustrating and upsetting. Â

Anyways, it has been quite a steamy weather day and hopefully it will thunderstorm tonite. Â Storms are very peacveful for me.



Oh I am so excited about this I hope to get my first tattoo this weekend, a semicolon with the phrase "my story isn't over yet" Â so true. Â Tomorrow is a new day:)